I just realized that this post will be much lengthier than I imagined.  It’s been almost a year since I have posted on here, and for those of you that don’t know, I regret to tell you why I’ve been absent.  On February 13, we lost the fearless leader of our crew.  Aaron had a heart attack, and died very unexpectedly.  We have been doing our best to navigate life on our own. Some days I think we are doing an okay job of it, and some are clearly epic failures.  This will be our first Thanksgiving as a crew of 3, and like every other day, we are using the trial and error method… figuring out what works and what doesn’t.  I wrote the post below this morning, as I was trying to sort out the thoughts bouncing around in my head.

Ahh, sweet holidays.  I knew you were coming, I had my eye on you, and here you are.  Today marks the beginning of the holidays that we normally meet with smiles, jolly music, smelly candles, pumpkin pie, and love and appreciation for the incredible lives that we have been blessed with.

I knew that the holidays were going to suck. I have been preparing, subconsciously I suppose, for over 9 months for this.  This morning, I woke up (very early) to Layla crawling in bed with me, asking if she could rest with me.  Of course, I said yes, wrapped my arms around her, and smiled as she scratched my back.  About 2 minutes later, a sweet little girl with massive bed head crawled onto the other side, and we held hands, giggled, and snuggled until we finally decided nobody was going back to sleep.  Of course, a few minutes later, Layla cried because Maizy turned on a light and “hurt her feshal (special) eyes.”  That’s my life with a 4 and 5 year old.

They are stubborn, demanding, sassy, and absolutely perfect.  They have been handed some terrible cards this year, and they are absolute troopers getting through this. A lot of my time is spent hoping and praying that I am doing the right things for them, but they are the ones that keep me sane (and drive me a little crazy) every day.  I truly can’t even imagine finding the strength to get through the last 9 months without them.  They were the reason that I had to be okay, and I made sure that I was well for them.  Without them, it’s unbearable to even imagine.

Today, we talk about all of the things we are thankful for.  We still know that we are very, very lucky. We have friends and family who continue to show us their love, and still have us under their wings.  They understand that our loss didn’t just affect us in the beginning.  They are available to talk, listen, and have been our shoulders to cry on countless times.  We have strengthened many old friendships, and developed new ones as a result of the events of this year.

We are so grateful for Aaron. We talk about him every day.  He truly was the best person I’ve ever known.  I got to be his wife for over 10 years, and those 10 years certainly made me a much better human being than I was before.  His patience, his compassion for other people, and his peaceful and joyous spirit are the traits I hope that both of our children inherit.  Even though we all miss him terribly, Maizy and Layla, even at 5 and 4, understand how lucky we were to have him. His face lit up any time he could share a story about his daughters, and they were absolutely loved, cherished, and adored by him for every second of his time as a father.

Although I have plenty of questions for God when it’s my turn, I will endlessly thank him for the gift of Aaron’s love.

As we all approach the rest of the holidays this year, please consider inviting an old friend over, spending time with an elderly aunt, calling an old neighbor who crosses your mind from time to time, or just reaching out to friends and family that you are missing.  Help someone if you can… drive someone to the grocery store, buy a small gift for someone who might not receive many others.

This time of year can be so lonely, and we are learning how important the little things- dropping a hand written note in the mail just to say “I’m thinking about you,” a phone call from a college pal- these are the powerful things.  I can’t count on my hands how many times I’ve thought to myself “when things slow down, I’m going to call that person.”  And as we are learning, time rarely slows down, it just keeps speeding up.

Make that call, write that note, give that hug, ask her out, book that trip, make someone smile, join the gym, find a cabin… whatever you have on your to-do or bucket list, get started.  Tomorrow is never promised, so please, please appreciate today. Xo